Sex aids are perfectly respectable now, with mainstream companies offering Erotica pages with a wide range of sex toys, artificial vaginas and so on. Tiscali, for example, offers this one. Tiscali Erotica Page. Sex shops are quite common in small country towns, no more searching sleezy little back streets in Kings Cross. You can even get body paint for licking off your loved one's parts in Sainsburies.
Unfortunately, cheap sex aids are often tacky while the good ones can be very expensive. In bloggoth I occasionally offered some tips on making your own sex aids and received many emails of appreciation from others like myself who enjoy a wide range of erotic pleasures but also like to be economical with their wealth, my fellow astute erotics. I pay no attention to those who call me a mean old pervert, I am above such abuse. I am therefore turning these occasional articles into a regular magazine for like-minded souls.
Here are suggestions for a range of sexy underwear for your lady that will give you both hours of enhanced love making, not just far cheaper than anything you can buy at Anne Summers but absolutely free!. As with all my sex aids you just have to see the erotic potential in everyday available objects, and in this case there are a host of materials just perfect for the purpose. Enough talk xoggoth, I hear you all say, we want to see your designs so we can make them for ourselves and start shagging. Indeed, what else are Saturdays for?
Here is the first item. A perfect black fishnet stocking. This is made from the bag of some Tescos Satsumas. I only had the one bag, but I am sure you can see that after a few months, or less if you really like Satsumas, you could put together some sexy fishnet stockings that Sharon Stone would have killed for.
Here is another idea which I can see being developed into a full body stocking. I am reliably informed that green is the new in erotic colour this year. This the bag that some logs came in. They were brought at our local garage but you can get logs in similar bags anywhere.
It is a little loose in the picture as I had not got round to sewing it together, but again I think the erotic potential is clearly shown.
You could also hold it together with elastic bands - if you hang around your local Post Office sorting office, you can often pick up lots of elastic bands for free.
Not shown here, but of a similar style, those little net bags that you get round fatballs for feeding birds are perfect as see through Madonna-style cups for extremely small breasted women or indeed as a see through posing pouch for males, for those of us with very modest lunchboxes anyway. You could make a matching 'His and Hers' set.
PS I tried to get the missus to model but she refused. She has no imagination and did not seem impressed by my designs, so yes, that is the xoggoth foot and the xoggoth leg. I know most of you will be saving these pictures. Try and pace yourselves. It is a condition of your viewing these pictures that in no circumstances will xoggoth.org be legally liable for any heart attacks caused by excessive self-abuse that may result.
Astute erotics will be thinking this sounds seriously expensive, not to mention risky, but don't worry, the street sex I want to talk about has nothing to do with prostitution, I am referrring to the freebies on our country roads, commonly known as road kill.
Taking dead roadside animals home for sexual gratification is a long established tradition in the countryside, it is just that, until now, nobody has ever had the honesty to talk about it. If you drive the same road two days running you will probably have noticed that such corpses are often gone the next day. Perhaps you think the council has removed them. Are you kidding? The same council that misses your bin three weeks running because you did not leave it close enough to the pavement is going to be touring little roads efficiently and promptly cleaning up dead animals? Of course not. You can be sure that these corpses will have a) Found their way to your local take away b) been removed by locals for erotic purposes. Last summer I saw the vicar removing a dead badger in the back of his Volvo estate. When he saw me watching him he said he was just trying to prevent some cyclist from having an accident. Yeh Right. I think it was no coincidence that his head choir boy was on holiday in Majorca.
So, for you townies new to this tradition, let me explain what you should look for. Clearly, it is ideal to get one as intact as possible and reasonably fresh. As luck would have it, most drivers instinctively tend to brake if an animal runs out in front of them and there is less chance of stopping in time if you are almost on the creature when it runs out. For this reason many road kill are on the near side of the road with the rear end intact which is most fortuitous for our purpose. If you tour around country roads for a couple of hours in the early morning in summer you are quite likely to find a suitable specimen of a fox or badger. You are much less likely to be lucky with regard to the front end which may well be the worse for wear. The young fox on the left below for example.
Not to worry. It is amazing how attractive your temporary beloved can be with just a little attention. In the picture at right, the same fox has been dressed in a sexy bra and matching panties and a little lipstick and blue eye liner applied. What a transformation! Any man should be proud to take that to bed, maybe even take in a show and a posh restaurant first. Sex without a little romance can be so sordid.
BDSM equipment can be seriously expensive too. It's not really my scene, but here's a quick tip for bondage and S&M enthusiasts. Why not kit yourself out at B&Q or Homebase for a fraction of the price? You can get everything you need there. Overalls, dust masks, safety goggles, leather aprons, stout gardening gloves, rope, fencing chain, padlocks, clamps and so on.
Can you imagine your beloved tied to the bed with a length of green gardening twine wearing those sexy gardening gloves and knee pads at left? Phwaaar! Actually not quite sure it isn't my scene, those really turn me on. Bags I first with the bath plug. I might find a use for that tin of slug pellets too.
Commercial butt plugs and anal probes are mostly pathetic plastic things. Where on earth is the satisfaction of using some awful shop-brought plastic thing? Those of us with creative souls make our own. I sent this plan to Blue Peter once and they did not even have the courtesy to reply.
You now have a delightful hand crafted butt dildo that will give you months of good service at a negligible cost. Use it with pride.
Those blow up dolls are pretty awful and unconvincing and probably not very robust. Have a look at this article, with pictures, on Rotton.com. Can't say I have ever felt the urge to buy one. I'd sooner stick with the wife, at least I don't have the effort of blowing her up first. It is possible to buy good quality very convincing latex dolls but they are seriously expensive. You can buy one from the Rolls Royce of sex doll makers if you have $6499.00 + $800.00 shipping costs handy (bet they aren't zero rated either). Doubt you could get better if you have the money.
For us astute erotics better and expensive are contradictions. When I was about 14/15 and continually randy, we never had things like that. The nearest we had to legal porn were magazines of ladies in swimsuits. I was so frustrated I used to shag an old stuffed horse I had had as a kid. After poking a hole in it first of course. It was green and tatty and I must say it was not very attractive although it was fitting in a way as the only genitals I could find pictures of to wank over were of horses in my sister's "Horse and Hound" magazines. If I had reached maturity with a sexual fixation on horses it would have been the fault of a prudish society. Fortunately, it did not happen, I moved on to pigs and baboons instead. But I digress. Back to the point of today's article which is how to convert a stuffed toy into a sex doll. In the following I have assumed you are a male of heterosexual orientation as I have personally only ever converted stuffed animals into female sex dolls, If anyone wishes to mail me with details of making male sex dolls from stuffed animals I will be happy to include them here.
First find your doll First we need to find something a bit more attractive than a tatty stuffed green horse or those horrible blow up things. A major requirement is a decent size, at least four foot and preferably five or more. If possible steal something from one of your kids or somebody's else's kids. Use it or lose it. If all else fails buy one on Ebay. A quick search on the internet threw up this. Now I don't know about you but I find that very sexy, lovely golden colour, and what a provocative pose. Straight guys may wish to change the secondary sexual characteristics as this one is a male lion. Here are the instructions for converting it to a female lion. Get scissors. Snip off mane.
Adding the fanny
For this you will need i) a round plastic bottle of a good size, an economy sized washing up liquid bottle is ideal. Even if you have a laughably pathetic lunchbox as I do, do not be tempted to start with something too small, we need plenty of room for creating that real feel. ii) Four or five polythene freezer bags, a bit bigger than the bottle is ideal. iii) A box of good quality tissues. iv) At least three feet of string v) A length of stout tape.
Insert the freezer bags one inside the other and tie the closed ends with the string. Cut the top end off the plastic bottle. Bore a hole in the centre of the other end and pass the free end of the string through it but do not pull the bags into the bottle yet. Now we create the real feel by packing the tissue paper inside the bottle. Pack it round the sides leaving a small hole in the centre. Finally use the string to pull the bags down the centre of your plastic fanny and secure the open ends of the bags to the bottle with tape. Secure the string with a knot. The diagram should make this clear.
Finally place your fanny into the lion. Stuffed toys nearly always have a seem down the exact center. Unpick this carefully at the appropriate point, pull out stuffing to create an orifice and insert the fanny. Finally resew the seam snugly around the end.
Further improvements If you want an arse, this is created in exactly the same way as the fanny but using more tissue for a tighter feel. For the final touch of realism take a rubber glove and cut off the thumb. Cut a disc around the thumb area and secure over the neck of the bottle with tape so the thumb hole is central. Other elements of arse realism I will leave to your imaginations.
Nothing improves onanism quite like the delightful feel of lots of little spikes sticking into your bum cheeks. Up until now I daresay most of you have got by, as I used to, with a length of bramble for this purpose. While this can be very effective, it is difficult to keep clean and the thorns soon tend to get broken and blunt. Also greenfly on the arse can be a major problem. Here is a recipe for a simple and very effective bum spiking device that will cost you very little.
Take one long edge of the card and insert it into your crack. Men do not have any choice but if you are female you will first need to decide how far forward you want your spiker to go; marking the top of your thigh with a washable felt tip pen at the front edge of the card helps in relocating. Push in and feel where the card touches, remove it and trim back that point using a sharp Stanley knife. The idea is to cut one edge so it conforms as closely as possible to your body shape. Several removals and trimmings will be necessary. Once you are happy with the inner shape, and not before, you can trim off the rest of the card so that the whole thing fits discretely between your cheeks without any obvious protrusion. With normal anatomy the final shape will be a sort of crescent, tapering towards the back end. See diagram below. Try not to make the card too narrow or it will lose rigidity, about one and a half inches over most of the length is ideal. Now insert the pins through the card in a zigzag pattern at intervals of about a quarter of a inch, alternating the direction. Continue along the entire length or to taste.
Voila. You now have a perfect bum cheek spiker. Pull open the buttocks, insert the spiker so that is nestles against your body and CLENCH. Aaaaaah! With practice you can wear one of these to formal functions. I have it on good authority that a certain actor wore one when he received his knighthood from the queen a few years back. From her expression I have my suspicions that the queen herself often wears one although I daresay hers is an expensive model from Fortnum and Masons bondage wear department.
Unfortunately, my next planned article in the 'Astute Erotic', how to gatecrash funerals and make proper use of the deceased, has had to be withdrawn as I have received too many complaints from the usual politically correct sorts that it was in poor taste. If you join my club (Only £50 joining fee and £20 annual subscription) you will receive this and many other articles in the series that I am not permitted to post here.
I promised this series of articles some months back but unfortunately have been too generally knackered earning a living to get round to it. I feel really guilty now, having been informed of what some poor chap has done without my guidance. A loofah firmly fixed in the chuck of a large professional drill is NOT recommended! Too rough by far so it caught and then things started to wrap around. Bad enough, but the poor chap pushed the trigger latch in panic!!
Ok then, ladies or gents, this will suit either, here is how a power drill should be used to make a cheap rotating dildo. First off, remember the wisdom in the old song "All the nice girls love a sailor". Candles! The first point about candles is that they are nice and greasy and the second is that they slip up easy. The third is that they melt under moderate heat, so if you should get carried away in your passion and turn your little 240V (*note 2) beloved up to 3800 rpm for too long the frictional damage you can inflict is strictly self-limiting.
Since they are somewhat slippery a normal candle is of little use. Just toddle along to your local arty farty crafty shop and buy yourself a nice nobbly novelty candle. Or get one on the internet. I believe there are companies that will make them to order, so if you want Catherine Zeta-Jones, Brad Pitt or the Prophet Muhammed depending on your bent/intended orifice/motive, I am sure a little extra expense will secure you what you need.
How do I fasten it to the drill I hear you ask? A VERY good point and one which has been extensively researched at the xoggoth foundation. Safety is the key! Even with a slippery candle we must be totally sure that there is no possibility of a damaging torque being exerted. In numerous trials, purely in the public good you understand, we have ascertained that the average arse (well, the only one we had available) will take a torque of 0.57 Nm (*Note 3) without discomfort. Not sure about fannies as the missus declined to participate (*note 4) but based on general size and smell (*note 5) this will be approximately 1.6781457690455637 Nm.
Therefore, allowing for safe rear usage, you should use a rod not exceeding 0.19 inches in diameter. Heat over a flame until it just melts the wax and push into the base of the candle. Allow to cool, insert the rod in the drill and off you go, safe in the knowledge that the rod will slip in the candle before your bottom (front or rear) get wound round the chuck! (*note 6)
Very recently I had a rather nice comment on the web from an (apparent) lady about this series of cheap sex aids and I got to thinking that so far I had written very little for the female.
Ok, things about anal dildos are theoretically trans-gender but let's face it, it is mainly us chaps who like to stick things up our arses. Go to any budget hotel room, Holiday Inn, Premier Inn, etc. etc, where lonely chaps tend to stay when away on business and you can be sure that most of the furniture, the TV remote control and so on has been stuck up some bloke's arse. Well, they have certainly been up mine anyway. How many TV sets or drinks cabinets have left Marriot's firmly stuck up their male guests rectums? Quite a few I would geuss!
I do not pretend to fully understand what ladies want, a couple of year's back a largish lady invited me to try a Rabbit on her and I was flummoxed. The purpose of the main shaft was apparent but that thing sticking out of the side! Well! How was I to know it was a clitoral stimulator? I shoved the main bit up her fanny ok and then tried to insert the branchy bit up her bum! I thought that was what it was for! Talk about a male oriented mistake!
So ladies are more into vaginal and clitoral stimulation. How to stimulate aforesaid bits without spending much money? It could be something very cheap, something easily made or something they would already own for another purpose. In line with the usual xoggoth philosophy of no expense spared I undertook a couple of minutes of extensive research. I checked out kitchen blenders, ooh, bit fierce. Mobile phones? hardly, I know they vibrate but even little virgin Chinese ladies do not have the sort of slot that today's tiny flat phones would suit. And then it came to me! Yet again the congruence between toys and "toys". Here we are, ladies, try these ideas!
Novelty yappy teeth are a simply great budget idea when you are alone.
Just wind up and put in your knickers next to your clit and lie back for 30 seconds of exciting stimulation for under £2. Why not buy several at a reduced price and use them one after the other?
If you are like most ladies and need a little longer, how about this fabulous little Jumping Spider?
Just put it in your knickers next to your clit, run the tube up out of the top of your dress/trousers and you can while away many a dull business meeting surreptiously squeezing the bulb and giving yourselves little thrills for only a few pounds! The great thing about this little creature is that it looks just like your own bush, so you could use it in the changing rooms or at the nudist colony and nobody would notice!
Why not combine it with this little creature? Only 75p! Its tongue pops out when you squeeze it. Place it at the right angle in the knickers and you just need to squeeze your thighs rhythmically for a small but satisfying penetration.
A little further up we advised on the erotic uses of the dead creatures that nature (and traffic) has blessed us with. Now that warmer weather is approaching in the UK it is timely to return to the erotic potential that the season brings in its wake.
Nice warm weather is great for dogging of course and if you are near a known dogging area what can be more satisfying and cheap than a free sex show in the woods? Especially if you cycle there, this not only keeps you fit and (more importantly) saves money but is also advisable so that the nasty spying police do not get a note of your number plates. I will not dwell on this subject as you will find many internet sites devoted to it where you will find lists of the favourite places in the UK.
Apparently dogging is a largely British phenomenum. Doesn't it made you feel proud to be British that we are so uniquely perverted in this way? I know it does me. It is a little known fact, revealed by recent analysis of the original texts, that actually St George did not slay a dragon, he saw it in the woods, snuck up on it, pinned it to a tree with his lance and then shagged it! Hurrah! Hurrah, for England and St George!
Another idea that some have when they think of sex and nature is creeping into fields and shagging sheep or other livestock. Well, don't let me discourage you from trying, but unless you are very athletic that is something probably best left to farmhands as they have the proper equipment for nailing hooves to the grounds and so on. When I was camping on Dartmoor once I tried to catch a sheep to shag it and after twenty minutes I was completely knackered, I just could not catch any of the little bleeders for love nor money!
If you have a bit of a masochistic bent, try these ideas, not only free but very easy!
Stinging nettles. These are great! I used to think it was just me that liked these but it seems that the erotic potential of stinging nettles is well known in spanking circles.
Why pay enormous amounts to be spanked by a prostitute when you can make your bottom tingle for nothing by wiggling it in a bed of stinging nettles? Thrust your front naughty bits in for added thrills.
Brambles. I mentioned these above in the bum-cheek spiker article! If you are too fecking lazy even to get a bit of cardboard and stick pins in it, try the old bramble trick. Find a nice thick bramble with lots of thorns, clench firmly between the cheeks, grasp in one hand and pull!
Wasps. Wasps are lovely little creatures which are abundant in late summer and capable of stinging you several times.
Wait for a warm sunny summer or early autumn day, find a nice sunny spot and dab some good quality jam on the arse and/or front naughty bits. Do not use too much, you want to attract wasps without insulating yourself from a damn good stinging. Allow several wasps to gather and when they are tucking in, annoy them by tossing off, thus shaking the aforesaid parts. If you are lucky the frustrated wasps will have delightfully stung your parts several times before you get to the vinegar strokes.
If you are allergic to wasps I have heard red ants and sugar works quite well although I have not tried it personally.
PS I know that those of you viewing the above will be amazed at the the detailed full colour pictures I did to go with this article and will be thinking "Gosh, he must have spent days on those" I am happy to do it, nothing is too good for xoggoth's readership!
Applying an electric current to the male or female naughty bits can be very stimulating.
A stereo system can be used to stimulate your naughty bits but incorrect use can be painful and may damage your stereo system. The proper safe plug in device costs $80!! Sod that! True xoggoth.org readers will not care if they fry their genitals, just as long as they do so cheaply. Here is some proper, AKA very low priced, advice.
Use mains voltage
You must be joking xoggoth, I hear you cry! Surely applying mains voltage to one's naughty bits will be dangerous? Not so; by following our advice you can use mains voltage in complete safety! *1 and with no chance of damaging expensive equipment.
We once worked on a research project using high voltage and we can tell you categorically that a current of at least 20mA is needed to kill a human being *2. All one needs to do therefore is to apply a bit of Ohm's law: R=V/I, so if V=240V, I=20ma, then R=240/20E-3 = 12k ohms. Just pop along to your nearest electronic hobbyist, e.g.Maplins, and get yourself a 25k ohm resistor. In series with the resistance of your naughty bits this will limit the current to under 10mA, well below the lethal dose.
With a piece of flex, attach the resistor to the stimulation device then attach the other end of the resistor to the live wire (blue) *3 of the mains lead. Then insert the stimulation device into the fanny (ladies) or close it about the knob-end and adjust compression to suit (chaps). Put the brown wire (neutral) up the arse, the earth wire in the mouth to ensure complete safety and plug into the mains! Enjoy!
Note 1. As usual, following any advice above is entirely at your own risk and xoggoth.org cannot be held responsible for any injuries or fatalities that may occur.
Note 2. Or was it 2mA? It was a very long time ago. Please see previous note.
Note 3. Or is blue the neutral and brown the live? Please see note 1 again.
Note 4: As with all homemade devices, if in doubt, test it out on the wife or kids first. Better safe than sorry!