Not being arsed as a virtue
We at bloggoth visited an interesting exhibition in Brittany about Anne of Brittany. she presumably had a real life but it was hijacked by those who insisted on seeing her as a great symbol. To some she was the symbol of an independent Bretagne. To some the symbol of a united France.
It occurs to us that the reason people get so passionate about things to the point where they will kill others who do not agree is because they insist on taking mundane realities (surely the really important thing about Anne was that she had a huge conk) and blowing them up into symbols. The greatest symbol is a name. Vive La France! God bless America! For England, Harry and St George! Maybe the way to end wars is to not allow anything to be named. That way nobody will get so het up about it.
We at bloggoth
Are in France this week.
Don't expect gratitude
Animals are like too many immigrants. Bloody ungrateful!!! We always feed the birds and what do we get in return? The little feathered bastards crap all over our car and our garden furniture! I have to clean down the little concrete seat near the pond before we can sit on it! Among them is a pair of pheasants who are now very tame. They hang around a foot away waiting for some seed, crushed peanut or a bit of Hobnob (their favourite). As soon as they have cleared the table Mrs Pheasant heads straight for the border and chucks bark all over my lawn. I leave bits of jam out for wasps. Does it stop them gnawing bits off our hardwood bench? It does not! We have a fox we sometimes leave scraps out for. Will it stop chucking the contents of our bin bags all over the garden? Will it hell! Some of the scraps are probably eaten by the badger and that's started digging neat little round holes all over my lawn again! This time last year it looked like a scale model of St Andrews.
Revenge
The recent change to size-based rather than weight-based charging by the Royal Mail will significantly cut my small company's profits as we supply a lot of laminated A4 sized information sheets that cannot be folded.
I shall have my revenge. (in this life or the next) Hmm. Not weight-based eh? I see it is possible to buy depleted Uranium on the net.
Sucking clinic
There is a big fuss about the increasing numbers of little mosquitos. When I go running in the woods in late
summer or early autumn they are everywhere. However, I never get bitten because a mosquito has a top flying speed of about 2 miles per hour. Run or even walk briskly
and they CAN'T bite you. Only horrible fat people ever get bitten because they waddle along too slowly.
Maybe mosquitos could be the solution to one weight related problem in the news recently, the epidemic of high blood pressure. If you puncture something and suck a bit out then surely it must relieve the pressure? Basic physics that. Maybe we at bloggoth should open a clinic where lots of horrible ugly fat people can come and be sucked back to health by millions of mosquitos. Maybe we could use genetic modification to produce especially enormous ones. Wonder what we could charge?
PS The giant mosquitos will be bred without wings so they do not escape. The lack of any in the cartoon is NOT because I forgot to draw them. shit shit shit shit shit
This Sunday we at bloggoth will be mostly
Making trips to the recycling centre as we are under orders from the missus to clear out the attic.
We did take them to the Oxfam shop originally but were asked to leave. Ludicrous, given a population growth that is outstripping food supply and the problem of HIV/AIDS you would think a few tea chests full of jaz mags to send to Africa would be welcomed with open arms. What a shame that nobody else in the world has xoggoth's clear thinking on world problems.
Doodles
Here is one of many we did when bored at last contract. Not just a doodle but a bit of free gay porn for anyone who is interested.
Donation
Gratuitous zombie porn
Gratuitous inter-species porn
OK, it is not very explicit but if you want the real McCoy, with T Rex knobs, Woolly Mammoth axewounds and all, you should know where to send your £10 by now.
Posters
I have to produce some cartoon posters of animals for a wildlife trail in the local forest next week.
In Paintshop Pro you have a pallette of rather pure colours. It is always difficult to get a decent brown, much easier to just open a photo and pick a brown off.
It amuses our puerile brains here at bloggoth to get natural colours from highly unsuitable sources. When the kiddies go round the trail looking for the posters, little will they or their fond parents know that this robin is 30% Osama Bin Laden.
Watch out for an explosion of Sussex suicide bombers in the next few decades.
Logo
Good grief! That London Olympics logo is horrible.
What did they pay for that I wonder? We at bloggoth spent just over 4 minutes doing a much better one that symbolises all that the olympics are about:
- The black lady athletes' bottoms that are the only things worth watching.
- Britain's probable position in the athletics medal table.
- The enormous cost to the taxpayer.
- The number of third world athletes who will disappear into our community instead of going home.
- How xoggoth will feel after a week living in a sports mad house where the boring crap will be on morning, noon and night.
Milliband
All the political talk at the moment is about David Milliband, supposedly the man the Tories fear and Labour's potential saviour from the bogey eating electoral doom that is the Lying C*nt Brownstuff.
Let's be serious here, what possible qualities does Milliband have to lead our country? Let's sum
up shall we?
He has an enormous mouth filled with acres of top gums
that make him look like an enraged chimpanzee.
He has thin eyebrows that meet in the middle like a lady boy
version of a plastic model of the hunchback of Notre Dame.
He has hair like a shoe brush.
He has thicker lips than the offspring of
Lesley Ash and a Mayan demon god.
He has this funny little shadow on his top lip like an
unshaved thirteen year old's.
What??? I can hear my non-existent readers cry! How shallow and ridiculous to judge somebody purely on their appearance! So how should we judge them when they have no real record in office? he has only been a minister for two years. By his speeches and writings perhaps? Yeh? So you knew from speeches of {He Whom etc.} that he would invade Iraq? Or Major's that he would wreck the economy? Nah! How people look is as good as anything I reckon, either that or their shoes.
PS:He has bigger ears than a Virginian Big Eared bat too.
Work - bored outa skull - doodling
MRSA
Dorothy had heard about the killer bugs in British hospitals but until that first visiting hour she had not realised
how bad the situation had become.
Bloggoth Pidgeon hospital
There has been an outbreak of bird flu on a British turkey farm. On the TV news this morning there was speculation that it might have been brought in by a pidgeon and no doubt there will be the usual hue and cry about wild birds.
Needless to say, we at bloggoth put the welfare of nice little birds above that of people, most of whom are horribly common anyway. We therefore intend to start a bird hospital in our garden where pidgeons and others can be tucked up and fed birdseed dipped in LemSip while being encouraged to cough and sneeze in the direction of our neighbour, Mr Pikey Scum.
A NICE little pidgeon who is feeling a bit poorly arrives at the Bloggoth hospital today
Removing the elderly
It occurs to us that with due to the increasing retired population it will not be long before the government is trying to bump off pensioners even more transparently than it does now by denying proper health care that they have already paid for so it can spend billions on other things, like HIV drugs for African immigrants who have paid bugger all. Think of all that death duty.
Watch out for the government encouraging the elderly to participate in dangerous sports. Naturally they will promote this as a health benefit, pointing out how exercise and excitement keep the mind and body active.
Bad career moves - 1
It was only when he attended his first brainstorming session of the product improvement committee that Kevin began to wonder if joining Acme Butt-Plugs had been a wise career move for a talented young designer.
Alternative realities
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| Of all the alternative Xmas realities the magic amulet had taken him to, Xmas tree world had to be the worst. He said the magic words, knowing it had power for just one more trip. | AW! NUTS! |
OI! That's MY gun!
Tthere is a new supergun that fires a million rounds a minute. The main feature is that the firing is initiated electronically rather than by the usual mechanical percussion method.
Yet again my ideas have been stolen! When I was twelve I made a gun out of some old gas pipe using chlorate and sugar that was ignited by a bit of element from an old iron connected to a battery! OK, it took about 5 minutes to reload for a single shot but that is not the point! The principle of the non-percussion firing mechanism was my idea!
I intend to write to these bastards in Australia who claim to have invented it and demand my share of the profits although I would probably settle for a working prototype. First that revolting fat ginger cat who scares our pheasants. When I've got my eye in (who wants to miss with a million rounds a minute?) the next target is my neighbour, Mr.Pikey Scum!
Solid explosives are so last year
Fashion pervades everything from, erm, fashion, right up to the major issues of our day. Certainly there are those controlling these things who will take advantage of it, but to what extent is Islamic fundamentalism among young Muslim men merely a fad? No different from the Hippie movement or any other crazes that grab this sheep-like generation.
Suddenly it's cool to use liquid explosives! Using a white powder like tricycloacetone peroxide** is so, you know, like, last year.
The suicide bomber who turned up for a mission with solid explosive
Lighting strikes
Our sodding phone line got struck by lightning! Fried the ADSL modem and PSU, completely wrecked no 1 son's computer, killed the network card in mine and very likely ruined all three phone extensions and the answering machine but not sure yet as the line is still not working! Going to claim on the insurance. Had to look in the policy 'cos we both had this vague idea that lightning might have counted as an act of god and not be covered.
Act of god! There's an idea! Maybe it's a punishment those sinful pages bout shaggin dead badgers an such an all dem hours pleasurin de flesh in looking at dem cream pie and pissing videos on xnxx. Ah's a sorry laud for ma sinnin ways, agin.
PS Hallelujah!
The people eraser
You can get some great pictures of stately homes and country parks around here, the only problem is all the bloody people who get in the way. We often use Paint Shop Pro to remove some ugly child or other from a photo.
Oh for a Paint Shop Pro clone tool in real life! Just to be able to look at a picturesque scene and suddenly all those wrinkly old people, those doddery old wheel chair sorts, all those fat ugly people, their stupid dogs and their ugly whiny children could suddenly be erased and replaced by natural beauty. Oh for one of stupendous size to remove the whole of poxy ugly mankind from the planet.
A Romeo and Juliet cartoon
Male contraception
There has been a lot on the possibility of a male contraceptive pill in the news recently.
They seem to be ignoring the simplest solution and that is turn sperm gay. It surely would not take much, look at the egg, what a horrible great round fat blobby thing! We at bloggoth like huge fat ladies *Note but most don't and I bet a bit of DNA tinkering so the right hormones are exuded would persuade all those little tadpoles to hump away at each other and overpopulation would be a thing of the past.
Note: To be more accurate, we like ladies with huge fat arses, we don't really care what the rest looks like
Getting really vicious
It has been frequently reported that the net is getting vicious. So what is to be done? Yes, you are right non-existent reader bloggoth, we need to find ways to get even nastier! A problem with online abuse is that someone who is upset by it can simply avoid visiting that particular forum and there must be a few people sensible enough to realise that. Not good enough! Surely there must be some virus writers out there who can create malware that will track down a specific IP address and screw up his/her PC or insert abusive text into the user's Word documents?
But even better, why can somebody not devise a PC virus that will "jump the species barrier" (fnaar, fnaar) and infect the PC's user? Our extensive research indicates that all previous occasions of viruses "jumping the species barrier" (fnaar, fnaar) are due to people shagging animals. HIV was due to Africans shagging baboons, Bird Flu was due to Chinese shagging chickens and Swine Flu was due to Mexicans shagging pigs. *Note 1 It is perfectly obvious that internet porn sites would be a great route for this PC-human infection. Cock in one hand, mouse in the other, what better infection route could there be? Will somebody please get on with it?
PS. It would obviously turn blue.
Tip. Never attempt to insert the keyboard into your arse, it's the devil to get out again.
Note: It's always horrible foreign people obviously. We can't understand that second one. Chickens are just not attractive.
This week's romantic spot
George was a man of his word